Deeper Understanding

Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with Natalee re: her desire to have what her friends have. Not all of them material things. For instance she wants a bigger room, she wants a more organized room, she wants to write cursive like her "best friend" When she first approached me about her room and its lack of cleanliness and organization. I listened to her. I understood her plea! You see I am the one that goes in there every day and sees the mess she makes, by not putting her clothes away, not throwing garbage away, her wanting to keep every little thing. I ask her to clean her room and she says she will and then I find things stuffed under the bed, in the corners and all over her desk. So about once a month I go in there and clean it for her. She has complained she doesn't have room for her clothes, yet she doesn't want to get rid of most of them, because she wears them. She wants a place for her "hobbies" but she won't put them away properly. Anyway, point being, I do what I can to accomodate her... we have bought enough hangers for all her clothes, we have gone through and purged her drawers, hobbies, closets and everything else...It gets totally clean and she loves me for doing it. Each time I tell her, OK so now you know how to clean, where things go and how you like it. She tells me everytime that she is going to keep it this way forever. Inevitably a week goes by and it looks like it did before. I could be a nazi and make her do it, stand over her and force the issue...but I have better things to do so I don't. Well, this all came to a head when she sought me out one day and confided that she wanted a room like her friend. I carefully probed her about what it is she liked about her friends room...It was bigger, it was organized, it was clean. I understood so I asked her what we could do to make it better. As we discussed her isssues, I explained well her room is bigger because she shares with 2 siblings...I also said she has all the containers and drawers like her friend does to be organized but her friends mom makes her clean her room every day- so I asked her if she wanted me to give her a consequence like her friends mom does, if she doesn't clean her room- of course Natalee said no...as we continued the conversation Natalee was not happy with how it was going and so I asked her what I could do to help her and her answer was "You can do it for me" and then I understood she wanted to have what her friend has but she doesn't want to put in any effort to get it...she wants to have someone do everything for her. As I have thought about this conversation and few others we have had since my thoughts have turned to the scriptures or the plan of happiness. Heavenly Father has given us blessings, talents, understanding...its different from what others have and sometimes looks rather unfair but really...what am I doing with what I have. Am I developing the talents I have to the best of my ability, or am I making use of the blessings I have or am I so caught up in what someone else has that I have not noticed them or am I using the knowledge/understanding I have obtained to better my circumstances or do I just keep wishing I had more. So often we get caught up in looking at others lives and what they have that we forget how much we do have. I have a friend who is an amazing personal trainer- I want to be her- I want to have her body, I want to look like her, dress like her- However since I have been thinking about this I realize that I just covet what she has. I get so lost in my selfish desire that I forget how much she has to work to have what she has. I asked her the other day how much she works out, on her own (she teaches classes at the local gym and has clients she works with one on one) Her answer was about an average of an hour- this is in addition to what she does on the side. I was astounded and at that point I realized I am doing what Natalee is doing- I want what my friend has but I want someone to do it for me. As I ponder on this thought even more I realize this happens so often in my life and the lives of others that we don't even realize we are doing it and then I realize that we do the same thing with our Heavenly Father. We want to return home to Him--we want to do what's right- but we want someone to do it for us. We don't want to put the effort into what it truly requires from us. We give up so easily because the natural man wants to do whats easiest and when it gets even just a little hard, we complain, we murmur, we pout...the list goes on and on. The thing is we know from experience that it is the things that we have worked hardest for that we hold the most dear...the commandments are given to us not to make life difficult but to create boundaries that will keep us safe and make the road easier- yet even though we want the easiest road we often decide that we are going to throw them off to the side which in the long run is what makes our journey harder. Its kind of an oxy moron- we want the easiest path- but we choose to be disobedient and not keep the commandments so therefore the path is harder- and we did to ourselves. I love that I am coming to a greater understanding of the gospel by having these teaching moments with my children. We have since spoken, Natalee and I, and I have explained that I will do whatever it takes to get her what she wants and needs, and that we have to work together to do so, and that she has to put the effort and hard work into it also. I think that Heavenly Father wants the same from us...he will do whatever it takes to get us what we want and need but we have to be a team with him and put the effort and hard work into it with him.

Increased knowledge

These past few months I have put a lot of effort into studying the gospel. More than I have in the past. I have taught sunday school, and young women's and studied my lessons but lately I have been studying for me and what I have found is that I love the scriptures more than I ever thought I did. It is amazing how much there is out there to further enhance my scripture reading experience and I love it. I have been collecting books for years and I have read through most of them and love learning little tidbits that help me better myself and my understanding but the books I have been learning from lately have truly grasped my attention and pulled me into the depths that the gospel has to offer. For years, actually since High School I have had the desire to learn about the gospel and why it is I live the way I do. It was in college that I truly made the choice to live the principles of the gospel. It was not an easy choice- I wanted to live in the world and do what the world was telling me was easy and fun- but I also knew that I wasn't really happy. It's hard to explain but I knew what was right and I had to follow my feelings. Anyway, since then I have wanted to study but where to start was the thing that prevented me from delving into it. Well recently we have had a Sunday School teacher that has been studying for years and with his vast knowledge he has been able to point me in the right direction and my eyes have been opened to the joy of the gospel and how it all fits together into one perfect plan of happiness. I started with a book of essays written about stories, principles and understanding found within the Old Testament. Then, when those essays-some better than others- piqued my interest, we moved onto Abraham-Becoming a Zion people. Oh how my love for Abraham grew. What an amazing man! It's no wonder the covenants given him were eternal and blessed nations. Not only is he amazing but his wife- well, she is the woman behind the man for a reason. She may seem as if she was a silent partner but I beg to differ. He needed her as much as she needed him. Anyway, the next book was The Beloved Bridegroom- Finding Christ in Ancient Jewish Marriage Customs. After reading this book I was struck with how little we understand about the temple and its teachings. One things is for sure- when we go through the temple we definitely have a partner in our Savior. He is watching over us and wants what is best for us. I am now reading out of the Pseudopigrapha and reading The Lost 500 years and I know I have more learning and knowledge to gain that will take me a lifetime to grasp. But I am so excited to begin my journey. As i study and learn I am strengthened physically, spiritually and emotionally. I find joy in it. Just recently I have, along with some friends, committed to reading the Book of Mormon in a 3 month period. I purchased a new paperback Book of Mormon and I have prayed that I will gain greater insight into how to liken its teaching to my situation now as well as my children's. I want to understand how to explain the stories and use them as examples as I teach my children. I want the spirit to be felt in my home. I want the spirit to teach truth and to guide our lives. I want to help the spirit teach my kids about the gospel and help them gain their own testimonies as early in their lives as possible. I am aware of the difficulties of living the gospel in the world today and that is why it is so important to do those things that will give you strength to get you through the difficulties. I heard a quote today that resonated in my heart and mind and I wrote it down....

Stay true in the dark and humble in the spotlight.

Be that strong and consistant voice--

Your actions speak so loud- i can't hear what you're saying

Each of these saying has to do with knowing who you are and acting like it. I can't be wishy washy, I can't say one thing and do another and i can't change my mind when the going gets tough. I will make mistakes along the way and I will need to repent and improve but I do know who I am and I know for what I stand and I am not going to make excuses for it. Truth is truth- even when you don't want it to be. I am who i am and I am not going to make excuses for it. When I need to change something than I will- but I can't change it if I don't know about it. Lately I have been battling with not taking offense. Typically, I don't- in fact it is pretty difficult to offend me but recently I was offended by someone who is suppose to be part of my support system. It's a long story and I won't go into detail but I will say that as I have studied it out in my heart and mind I am learning more than ever about the fact that I don't know others the way I think I do and really in my being offended because i was judged means that I have offended others, unknowingly, because I have chosen to judge them. I am working on it and I'll keep things posted as I learn more but suffice it to say- I can no longer be offended, even though I am hurt by the words, because the person saying what they did doesn't know me or my heart the way they could and therefore is looking through "dirty windows" But I also can't judge them because I don't fully understand why they said what they did and therefore if I am angry I am looking through my own "dirty windows" and what good does that do? So I am working on the hurt part but my understanding of the atonement is being strengthened by relying on prayer and knowing that Heavenly Father loves all of His children- even in their imperfections.

Thoughtful Ramblings

I love that I know what I know. I know it is a blessing to have the knowledge that I have and that with that knowledge comes a responsibility of sorts. In the past few years I have seen some friends and some family lose that knowledge because they have chosen to not apply it. It has been so hard to watch but I have dealt with it, probably because I didn't feel like it affected me personally however, recently I have had someone very close to me make a conscious choice to walk away from the knowledge and truth she had. The sad thing is I watched it happen over the past few months and prayerfully asked what I could do to keep it from happening. The answer...nothing! It had to be the individual's choice. We are all tested on a personal level. Everyone's test is their own; meant to strengthen and give power to the spirit but if not endured or if the choice is made to give up before the test is over then the blessing that would have followed are taken away. How can you have something taken away that you haven't received yet? We have been told we can have ALL that the Father has, if we endure to the end. He has already given it to us, we just have to make it to the next "road marker." How do we make it to the next road marker? Keep on walking...some of us walk slower than others...but keep doing it having faith that there will be a marker up ahead. You find that when you keep walking, you build up strength that you never knew you had. At each road marker we receive new blessings to help us along the way, greater insights. We have tools scriptures, blessings, prayer, priesthood and most of all have faith even when you can't see what's ahead. With my friend I watched what was happening and I tried to counsel and be positive, share my testimony, my knowledge and my strength but it wasn't enough, at least for now. The world was too intriguing. It was so hard to watch happen, it still is. In fact I mentioned to David that if this is what it is like to watch my children make these kinds of choices I want nothing to do with it. I have been up at nights, not sleeping, waking up, thinking about it, constantly thinking throughout the day. At first I was angry, at myself for not doing more, at her for giving in to the adversary. But then I realized it was more sadness...my heart is aching at the loss. I am still coming to terms with what the loss entails. She is still in my life but it is not the same...I don't know if I trust her the way I used too. I can't share my thoughts the way I used too. She doesn't want to be around me and my family the way she used too. She cares more for herself than others now, at least that is what her actions show. I am not even sure she is the same person...she says she is but I know she is more than what she is and she is selling herself short. I have prayed and prayed since she made the actual choice and the answer I have received is to love her and I do, I truly love her with all my heart but now I need to figure out how much I can accept of her new lifestyle before it effects me. The other answer I have received is these choices are her own, I am not to blame, her parents are not to blame, no one is to blame...she is a responsible adult and will be accountable for her own choices. I now pray that she will be softened and not hardened. That when she decides to return to the truth she has disregarded that she will know I am here for her and that she is loved more than words can say. I pray that she will know she is stronger than what she is settling for and that she is more than what she is getting. I love her with all my heart and until she returns i wlll do my best to love her the way her Heavenly Father does and I will do my best to stay strong so i can impart some of my strength to her when she needs it. I love knowing what I know and knowing that I am a daughter of god who loves me and loves her.

Week 27

Well, I must admit it has been a long time since teaching this lesson and I had to go back and review what inspired this handout. This lesson happened to be about Zion's camp and the men who traveled over a 1000 miles to help save the saints in Independance from the mobs who wanted to kill them. When these men arrived they were told by the Lord they would not be fighting that they were going to return. Now i could go into the entire story but you can go and read the history for yourselves I am going to tell you what I got from this. Here you have these men who were ready to fight, to avenge their brothers and sisters in the gospel. the had traveled a long way and had plenty of time to become enraged and ready to fight their enemies, and of course they had every reason to feel the way they did. However, when they were told they would not fight and they needed to turn around and go home, a lot of them were angry--they wanted to fight. I can feel thier anguish. So often, i want to fight, i have had a lot of time to stew in my thoughts, to convince myself I am justified, I need to take out my frustrations and why not on my enemy, who has wronged me. (Sometimes our enemies can be our friends and family too) But then when we get there we are told, by the spirit, to let it go. That is not easy to do. In fact I believe it to be one of my greatest weaknesses. But the true test is to ask ourselves why? when we have gone through so much and have every reason to fight..why would the Lord bring us on this journey just to have us turn around or "let it go"! Well in this case, it was not about vengeance, it was about the journey. What did you learn a long the way? You were willing to stand up for the truth...they were willing to give their lives for their brothers and sisters. now of course my analogy is not nearly as pressing as people who are being killed and thrown from their homes. (an argument about who is right and who is wrong is not a justified reason for vengeance it is just pride) However we can learn the same things. We must trust in the Lord...we must realize He is the one who guides our lives. We must turn to Him and allow Him to save us and to save our enemies. We must ask ourselves what have i learned from this journey...this situation...the moment. Is the Lord a constant in our lives? Do we fear him or fear the world. I must say that the world wins a lot of battles in my life but I am consistantly reminded that the outcome is much more peaceful when the Lord wins my battles. I am striving to always ask what am i learning. Where am i going? I am not perfect but i long to be perfected in Him.

week twenty six

The priesthood is real. It blesses my life, it continues to bless it, as well as the lives of my children. To be able to participate in priesthood ordinances ordained of God, that bring me closer to Him; to enjoy the blessing that come from knowing that my Heavenly Father is in my home daily, as long as we are living worthy of the priesthood blessing brings a peace in my life I know I could get no where else. My testimony of priesthood blessing came at a time in my life when I felt as though I did not need those blessing. In fact I went out of my way to shun them. Every year my dad would use his priesthood to give us school blessings. I was in my second year of college and making choices that kept my spiritually from growing in my testimony of those blessings. When he mentioned to me about school blessings I shied away from the situation. In fact i left to go back to school without mentioning it again and felt a sigh of relief as I drove away. I must admit that was the most difficult few months of my life. The boy in which I had focused all my attention upon was pursuing other directions. i was still involved but not quite as frequently. i was struggling with life direction and was torn between this boy I loved and the choice I knew needed to be made. For his sake, as well as for mine. At my lowest i began to ask myself what made me who i was. I knew, always knew really, that it was the gospel. It was about this time that the thought occurred to me that I had never gotten a blessing. I really don't know why I changed, desire maybe, choices probably, being ready to make the right choices more specifically. I could no longer sit on the fence looking at both pastures. I immediately went to a friend who held the priesthood and got the needed blessing. i don't remember what was said, all i know is that a peace went through my soul that I had not felt for a long time. I had a bounce in my step I hadn't had for some time. I will not say that life was full of joyous times after that blessing, there were some difficulties that lay in my path that I had to deal with to show by my actions that i had made better choices. That is something we deal with on a daily basis, so our testimony will grow with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I do know that my testimony of the power of the priesthood was strengthened so much that I have made it my priority to teach my children the importance of it. My son Xander truly understands the peace that comes from having the priesthood and the knowledge that comes in knowing that he can be healed or made to feel better because his dad can give him a blessing. We just gave the kids' their school blessings last night- what a special experience to hear the words of our Heavenly Father come through the mouth of their earthly father. The Priesthood is real! It must be conferred upon a worthy male by someone in authority. In this dispensation it was given to Joseph Smith, Jr and Oliver Cowdry by John the Baptist (Aaronic) and Peter, James and John(Melchizedek). Yes, the prophets of the New Testament because they were the last to have to have the keys to ordain. they recieved those keys from our Savior. No one remained worthy enough to have those keys after they had passed on-which is why the church fell into apostacy. This is Christ's church- the only church with the fullness of His gospel. The fulness being the priesthood power with all the rights to perform in His name. What a blessing we have.

week 25

I must say that in today's world it is so easy to be deceived. There are so many paths and directions that lead us to where we want to be. Want is a good thing but is it where the Lord needs you. There are so many paths that seem good so how can one be better than the other. Now I know this lesson is about knowing that the Prophet of the Lord speaks for and behalf of our Savior. This is something that must be confirmed by the spirit and I will tell you this the Lord will not let anyone lead and guide his church who will decive you. If you are questioning this than the deception is coming from somewhere else. We are members of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. Sometimes it may seem easier to think its not true because you may think you would be happier and yes it may seem that way for time but ultimately your happiness is based eternally and you will find yourself wishing you had not let yourself be deceived by the adversary. That is why it is so important to do those primary commandments- pray, read your scriptures, attend church, have faith and don't get caught up in what you want, rather focus on what the Lord wants. So often we get so focused on me, me, me and I want i want, i want, that we forget the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves and i can guarantee what you get from having faith in Him, is going to be far better than what you thought you wanted. So back to "do not be deceived"! The only way we can make sure of that is to have a testimony of our prophet and the only way to have that is to pray and ask for confirmation from our Heavenly Father. As I have said before it is very easy to ask why when we are asked to do something. Sometimes we can get upset and think we know better- again that is a choice we all have to make. There are consequences good and bad. YOU CHOOSE! But do not be deceived- if you choose to not follow the prophet- you will not receive the blessings that come from following the prophet and ultimately our Savior. Do not be decieved, whether in this life or the next you will see that the consequence for not following the prophet kept you from joys beyond your comprehension.

week 24

This lesson is dear to my heart because I love to obtain knowledge, secular and gospel related. Recently I was able to go back to school and continue my education,
ultimately resulting in my Associates Degree and in the future my Bachelors Degree. the thrill that comes from obtaining bits of knowledge is a high that can't be described. In fact, don't even try to explain it to youth because honestly it comes from desire and doing. Over the years I have found that I love to read, write, study, learn and share. Heavenly Father doesn't want us to stop learning. He wants us to do whatever we can in whatever situation we are in, to continue our search for knowledge. Knowledge is the only thing we can take with us into the next life. Right now my time is to be a mom and while I would love to be going to school to pursue my next course in literature, my priority is my children and their education. In the meantime I am doing what I can to further my thinking by reading books, both secular and religious. I am asking questions. I am using the tools i am surrounded by to make myself aware. Sometimes I want people to do my work for me but I find that if I put effort into it I am able to grasp the information more clearly. Right now my education has to do with how I am able to understand my relationship with my children and their different ways of learning and apply that to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and how he sees and knows me on a perfected level. I know that as i continue to make it possible to educate myself on a variety of different subjects and levels that my Heavenly Father will bless me with opportunities to share and glean from others' experiences.