Deeper Understanding

Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with Natalee re: her desire to have what her friends have. Not all of them material things. For instance she wants a bigger room, she wants a more organized room, she wants to write cursive like her "best friend" When she first approached me about her room and its lack of cleanliness and organization. I listened to her. I understood her plea! You see I am the one that goes in there every day and sees the mess she makes, by not putting her clothes away, not throwing garbage away, her wanting to keep every little thing. I ask her to clean her room and she says she will and then I find things stuffed under the bed, in the corners and all over her desk. So about once a month I go in there and clean it for her. She has complained she doesn't have room for her clothes, yet she doesn't want to get rid of most of them, because she wears them. She wants a place for her "hobbies" but she won't put them away properly. Anyway, point being, I do what I can to accomodate her... we have bought enough hangers for all her clothes, we have gone through and purged her drawers, hobbies, closets and everything else...It gets totally clean and she loves me for doing it. Each time I tell her, OK so now you know how to clean, where things go and how you like it. She tells me everytime that she is going to keep it this way forever. Inevitably a week goes by and it looks like it did before. I could be a nazi and make her do it, stand over her and force the issue...but I have better things to do so I don't. Well, this all came to a head when she sought me out one day and confided that she wanted a room like her friend. I carefully probed her about what it is she liked about her friends room...It was bigger, it was organized, it was clean. I understood so I asked her what we could do to make it better. As we discussed her isssues, I explained well her room is bigger because she shares with 2 siblings...I also said she has all the containers and drawers like her friend does to be organized but her friends mom makes her clean her room every day- so I asked her if she wanted me to give her a consequence like her friends mom does, if she doesn't clean her room- of course Natalee said no...as we continued the conversation Natalee was not happy with how it was going and so I asked her what I could do to help her and her answer was "You can do it for me" and then I understood she wanted to have what her friend has but she doesn't want to put in any effort to get it...she wants to have someone do everything for her. As I have thought about this conversation and few others we have had since my thoughts have turned to the scriptures or the plan of happiness. Heavenly Father has given us blessings, talents, understanding...its different from what others have and sometimes looks rather unfair but really...what am I doing with what I have. Am I developing the talents I have to the best of my ability, or am I making use of the blessings I have or am I so caught up in what someone else has that I have not noticed them or am I using the knowledge/understanding I have obtained to better my circumstances or do I just keep wishing I had more. So often we get caught up in looking at others lives and what they have that we forget how much we do have. I have a friend who is an amazing personal trainer- I want to be her- I want to have her body, I want to look like her, dress like her- However since I have been thinking about this I realize that I just covet what she has. I get so lost in my selfish desire that I forget how much she has to work to have what she has. I asked her the other day how much she works out, on her own (she teaches classes at the local gym and has clients she works with one on one) Her answer was about an average of an hour- this is in addition to what she does on the side. I was astounded and at that point I realized I am doing what Natalee is doing- I want what my friend has but I want someone to do it for me. As I ponder on this thought even more I realize this happens so often in my life and the lives of others that we don't even realize we are doing it and then I realize that we do the same thing with our Heavenly Father. We want to return home to Him--we want to do what's right- but we want someone to do it for us. We don't want to put the effort into what it truly requires from us. We give up so easily because the natural man wants to do whats easiest and when it gets even just a little hard, we complain, we murmur, we pout...the list goes on and on. The thing is we know from experience that it is the things that we have worked hardest for that we hold the most dear...the commandments are given to us not to make life difficult but to create boundaries that will keep us safe and make the road easier- yet even though we want the easiest road we often decide that we are going to throw them off to the side which in the long run is what makes our journey harder. Its kind of an oxy moron- we want the easiest path- but we choose to be disobedient and not keep the commandments so therefore the path is harder- and we did to ourselves. I love that I am coming to a greater understanding of the gospel by having these teaching moments with my children. We have since spoken, Natalee and I, and I have explained that I will do whatever it takes to get her what she wants and needs, and that we have to work together to do so, and that she has to put the effort and hard work into it also. I think that Heavenly Father wants the same from us...he will do whatever it takes to get us what we want and need but we have to be a team with him and put the effort and hard work into it with him.

Increased knowledge

These past few months I have put a lot of effort into studying the gospel. More than I have in the past. I have taught sunday school, and young women's and studied my lessons but lately I have been studying for me and what I have found is that I love the scriptures more than I ever thought I did. It is amazing how much there is out there to further enhance my scripture reading experience and I love it. I have been collecting books for years and I have read through most of them and love learning little tidbits that help me better myself and my understanding but the books I have been learning from lately have truly grasped my attention and pulled me into the depths that the gospel has to offer. For years, actually since High School I have had the desire to learn about the gospel and why it is I live the way I do. It was in college that I truly made the choice to live the principles of the gospel. It was not an easy choice- I wanted to live in the world and do what the world was telling me was easy and fun- but I also knew that I wasn't really happy. It's hard to explain but I knew what was right and I had to follow my feelings. Anyway, since then I have wanted to study but where to start was the thing that prevented me from delving into it. Well recently we have had a Sunday School teacher that has been studying for years and with his vast knowledge he has been able to point me in the right direction and my eyes have been opened to the joy of the gospel and how it all fits together into one perfect plan of happiness. I started with a book of essays written about stories, principles and understanding found within the Old Testament. Then, when those essays-some better than others- piqued my interest, we moved onto Abraham-Becoming a Zion people. Oh how my love for Abraham grew. What an amazing man! It's no wonder the covenants given him were eternal and blessed nations. Not only is he amazing but his wife- well, she is the woman behind the man for a reason. She may seem as if she was a silent partner but I beg to differ. He needed her as much as she needed him. Anyway, the next book was The Beloved Bridegroom- Finding Christ in Ancient Jewish Marriage Customs. After reading this book I was struck with how little we understand about the temple and its teachings. One things is for sure- when we go through the temple we definitely have a partner in our Savior. He is watching over us and wants what is best for us. I am now reading out of the Pseudopigrapha and reading The Lost 500 years and I know I have more learning and knowledge to gain that will take me a lifetime to grasp. But I am so excited to begin my journey. As i study and learn I am strengthened physically, spiritually and emotionally. I find joy in it. Just recently I have, along with some friends, committed to reading the Book of Mormon in a 3 month period. I purchased a new paperback Book of Mormon and I have prayed that I will gain greater insight into how to liken its teaching to my situation now as well as my children's. I want to understand how to explain the stories and use them as examples as I teach my children. I want the spirit to be felt in my home. I want the spirit to teach truth and to guide our lives. I want to help the spirit teach my kids about the gospel and help them gain their own testimonies as early in their lives as possible. I am aware of the difficulties of living the gospel in the world today and that is why it is so important to do those things that will give you strength to get you through the difficulties. I heard a quote today that resonated in my heart and mind and I wrote it down....

Stay true in the dark and humble in the spotlight.

Be that strong and consistant voice--

Your actions speak so loud- i can't hear what you're saying

Each of these saying has to do with knowing who you are and acting like it. I can't be wishy washy, I can't say one thing and do another and i can't change my mind when the going gets tough. I will make mistakes along the way and I will need to repent and improve but I do know who I am and I know for what I stand and I am not going to make excuses for it. Truth is truth- even when you don't want it to be. I am who i am and I am not going to make excuses for it. When I need to change something than I will- but I can't change it if I don't know about it. Lately I have been battling with not taking offense. Typically, I don't- in fact it is pretty difficult to offend me but recently I was offended by someone who is suppose to be part of my support system. It's a long story and I won't go into detail but I will say that as I have studied it out in my heart and mind I am learning more than ever about the fact that I don't know others the way I think I do and really in my being offended because i was judged means that I have offended others, unknowingly, because I have chosen to judge them. I am working on it and I'll keep things posted as I learn more but suffice it to say- I can no longer be offended, even though I am hurt by the words, because the person saying what they did doesn't know me or my heart the way they could and therefore is looking through "dirty windows" But I also can't judge them because I don't fully understand why they said what they did and therefore if I am angry I am looking through my own "dirty windows" and what good does that do? So I am working on the hurt part but my understanding of the atonement is being strengthened by relying on prayer and knowing that Heavenly Father loves all of His children- even in their imperfections.