I love that I know what I know. I know it is a blessing to have the knowledge that I have and that with that knowledge comes a responsibility of sorts. In the past few years I have seen some friends and some family lose that knowledge because they have chosen to not apply it. It has been so hard to watch but I have dealt with it, probably because I didn't feel like it affected me personally however, recently I have had someone very close to me make a conscious choice to walk away from the knowledge and truth she had. The sad thing is I watched it happen over the past few months and prayerfully asked what I could do to keep it from happening. The answer...nothing! It had to be the individual's choice. We are all tested on a personal level. Everyone's test is their own; meant to strengthen and give power to the spirit but if not endured or if the choice is made to give up before the test is over then the blessing that would have followed are taken away. How can you have something taken away that you haven't received yet? We have been told we can have ALL that the Father has, if we endure to the end. He has already given it to us, we just have to make it to the next "road marker." How do we make it to the next road marker? Keep on walking...some of us walk slower than others...but keep doing it having faith that there will be a marker up ahead. You find that when you keep walking, you build up strength that you never knew you had. At each road marker we receive new blessings to help us along the way, greater insights. We have tools scriptures, blessings, prayer, priesthood and most of all have faith even when you can't see what's ahead. With my friend I watched what was happening and I tried to counsel and be positive, share my testimony, my knowledge and my strength but it wasn't enough, at least for now. The world was too intriguing. It was so hard to watch happen, it still is. In fact I mentioned to David that if this is what it is like to watch my children make these kinds of choices I want nothing to do with it. I have been up at nights, not sleeping, waking up, thinking about it, constantly thinking throughout the day. At first I was angry, at myself for not doing more, at her for giving in to the adversary. But then I realized it was more sadness...my heart is aching at the loss. I am still coming to terms with what the loss entails. She is still in my life but it is not the same...I don't know if I trust her the way I used too. I can't share my thoughts the way I used too. She doesn't want to be around me and my family the way she used too. She cares more for herself than others now, at least that is what her actions show. I am not even sure she is the same person...she says she is but I know she is more than what she is and she is selling herself short. I have prayed and prayed since she made the actual choice and the answer I have received is to love her and I do, I truly love her with all my heart but now I need to figure out how much I can accept of her new lifestyle before it effects me. The other answer I have received is these choices are her own, I am not to blame, her parents are not to blame, no one is to blame...she is a responsible adult and will be accountable for her own choices. I now pray that she will be softened and not hardened. That when she decides to return to the truth she has disregarded that she will know I am here for her and that she is loved more than words can say. I pray that she will know she is stronger than what she is settling for and that she is more than what she is getting. I love her with all my heart and until she returns i wlll do my best to love her the way her Heavenly Father does and I will do my best to stay strong so i can impart some of my strength to her when she needs it. I love knowing what I know and knowing that I am a daughter of god who loves me and loves her.
