Increased knowledge

These past few months I have put a lot of effort into studying the gospel. More than I have in the past. I have taught sunday school, and young women's and studied my lessons but lately I have been studying for me and what I have found is that I love the scriptures more than I ever thought I did. It is amazing how much there is out there to further enhance my scripture reading experience and I love it. I have been collecting books for years and I have read through most of them and love learning little tidbits that help me better myself and my understanding but the books I have been learning from lately have truly grasped my attention and pulled me into the depths that the gospel has to offer. For years, actually since High School I have had the desire to learn about the gospel and why it is I live the way I do. It was in college that I truly made the choice to live the principles of the gospel. It was not an easy choice- I wanted to live in the world and do what the world was telling me was easy and fun- but I also knew that I wasn't really happy. It's hard to explain but I knew what was right and I had to follow my feelings. Anyway, since then I have wanted to study but where to start was the thing that prevented me from delving into it. Well recently we have had a Sunday School teacher that has been studying for years and with his vast knowledge he has been able to point me in the right direction and my eyes have been opened to the joy of the gospel and how it all fits together into one perfect plan of happiness. I started with a book of essays written about stories, principles and understanding found within the Old Testament. Then, when those essays-some better than others- piqued my interest, we moved onto Abraham-Becoming a Zion people. Oh how my love for Abraham grew. What an amazing man! It's no wonder the covenants given him were eternal and blessed nations. Not only is he amazing but his wife- well, she is the woman behind the man for a reason. She may seem as if she was a silent partner but I beg to differ. He needed her as much as she needed him. Anyway, the next book was The Beloved Bridegroom- Finding Christ in Ancient Jewish Marriage Customs. After reading this book I was struck with how little we understand about the temple and its teachings. One things is for sure- when we go through the temple we definitely have a partner in our Savior. He is watching over us and wants what is best for us. I am now reading out of the Pseudopigrapha and reading The Lost 500 years and I know I have more learning and knowledge to gain that will take me a lifetime to grasp. But I am so excited to begin my journey. As i study and learn I am strengthened physically, spiritually and emotionally. I find joy in it. Just recently I have, along with some friends, committed to reading the Book of Mormon in a 3 month period. I purchased a new paperback Book of Mormon and I have prayed that I will gain greater insight into how to liken its teaching to my situation now as well as my children's. I want to understand how to explain the stories and use them as examples as I teach my children. I want the spirit to be felt in my home. I want the spirit to teach truth and to guide our lives. I want to help the spirit teach my kids about the gospel and help them gain their own testimonies as early in their lives as possible. I am aware of the difficulties of living the gospel in the world today and that is why it is so important to do those things that will give you strength to get you through the difficulties. I heard a quote today that resonated in my heart and mind and I wrote it down....

Stay true in the dark and humble in the spotlight.

Be that strong and consistant voice--

Your actions speak so loud- i can't hear what you're saying

Each of these saying has to do with knowing who you are and acting like it. I can't be wishy washy, I can't say one thing and do another and i can't change my mind when the going gets tough. I will make mistakes along the way and I will need to repent and improve but I do know who I am and I know for what I stand and I am not going to make excuses for it. Truth is truth- even when you don't want it to be. I am who i am and I am not going to make excuses for it. When I need to change something than I will- but I can't change it if I don't know about it. Lately I have been battling with not taking offense. Typically, I don't- in fact it is pretty difficult to offend me but recently I was offended by someone who is suppose to be part of my support system. It's a long story and I won't go into detail but I will say that as I have studied it out in my heart and mind I am learning more than ever about the fact that I don't know others the way I think I do and really in my being offended because i was judged means that I have offended others, unknowingly, because I have chosen to judge them. I am working on it and I'll keep things posted as I learn more but suffice it to say- I can no longer be offended, even though I am hurt by the words, because the person saying what they did doesn't know me or my heart the way they could and therefore is looking through "dirty windows" But I also can't judge them because I don't fully understand why they said what they did and therefore if I am angry I am looking through my own "dirty windows" and what good does that do? So I am working on the hurt part but my understanding of the atonement is being strengthened by relying on prayer and knowing that Heavenly Father loves all of His children- even in their imperfections.